Highly uncharacteristic. I’ve always had an opinion, loved a debate, and, like most, enjoy talking about myself, but recently I had less to say, a lot less.
The day I noticed it most was when I ran out of ideas. Just gone!? I don’t really know how to describe but its like the idea’s well had dried up. I grew up in school being told I wasn’t a creative because I couldn’t draw or make things how I was told I had to make them, so when I stepped into the realm of self employment and coaching, my dormant creativity was released. I’d come up with 20 ideas a day, at least! Ways to do things, new products, services, things to try with people, events, loads of stuff. The ideas felt like the fire, those little sparks that might turn into something, it’s truly thrilling to live a life where everything in it started as an idea in your head and then comes to life with absolutely zero restrictions.
But, when that escapes you, and you’re not surrounded by the securities that most live in, the silence is deafening.
I’ve spent this entire year lost for words, and only now am I able to process this and feel the well filling back up again.
You see all the time these little motivational quotes, prompts, pics that pump you up on those days you’re not quite feeling it, and that little boost gets you back towards the zone, then before you know it, one little personal action gets you going again, it’s awesome, it’s why your Instagram feed is full of them. But what happens when the little quotes stop working, and those rituals you go through weekly, daily, the ones that keep you ‘you’, become hollow and a chore, and then, without much notice at all, the fire has gone out, and worst of all, you don’t care.
It’s been 5 years now since I moved from office bod to working full time in CrossFit, then eventually to running my own business. In that entire time there hadn’t been a day go by where I wasn’t fired up, bursting with ideas, and loving life (well, at least on the surface), I’d been “living the dream”. My dream ended rather abruptly and painful, worst of all I allowed it happen, and believed it to be the right course of action, I didn’t however expect my fire and light to go out as a result of this.
I believe I’m quite a strong character, had a few challenges thrown in my direction which I dealt with (maybe not the correct way as I realise now), but, when you stop being true and honest to yourself, you stop being you, and when this happens you surrender yourself to someone else’s world, someone else’s ideals and way of living, their honest self – which to note, is okay, if you’re okay living that way, and it’s also okay for people live differently to you, we need not judge how anyone else live, but be very aware of what world you are living in.
I meet a lot of people frustrated with careers and relationships, and having fudged up both of those things recently, I can really appreciate why this happens. I’ve have taken a step back to realise that, when I stop being me, TRULY me, and being honest in the way I want to live, my beliefs, morals and values, I surrender to someone else’s honest self and world, shortly after that, you can guarantee a period of anger, frustration, upset, disappointment, you name it, and then, some sort of break/down.
I had an idea the other day, that was to try being me. I’m very far away from me, I have been for years now, so like some who may read this feel fake for trying, or that this version of self isn’t really you, I’ve got some news for you, the little voice that chirps up in your head every so often and says “you can” IS the real you. We live in an awfully distracted, disconnected and confused world, one that makes it really difficult to hear and feel your true self.
You got to dig real deep and be bold as shit to live an honest life – and believe me when I say, 80% of people won’t like you when you do. I believe I only know one person who does, and they are the most contented individual you’ll meet. I’ve got some work to do before I’m back but I’m bold enough to acknowledge and thankfully more self aware now to say, I’ve been living a lie and it left me completely empty.