We all experience it, those moments in your head when that little voice, or in some cases, that really clear loud voice in your head says “Ah sh!t, I think I f&*%ed up”. You’re little monkey voice may express themselves a differently, but mine is normally full of profanities, I’m not going to apologise for it 😉
I used to think it was the end of the world to have messed up, even more so when that little voice which is giving you tiny hints that your maybe making some poor choices, then turns into a beaming Brian Blessed of a voice, and is shouting “STOP. Stop, what you are doing.”. Sometimes getting so far down a particular path you get stuck there, but know it’s not heading the direction you want, and even wondering to yourself what you’re doing. Normally because the auto pilot kicked in.
Well I may or may not have experienced an “Ah, Sh!T, I think I f*%&ed up” moment haha, and by this I mean, yes, I HAVE had a moment, only this time, this one seems a little more monumental then what may appear on the surface.
If I think back to the vision I begun working on 2 years ago, I most definitely wouldn’t have thought I’d have been moving for the 3rd time in 18 months, at the end of a very meaningful relationship, gained 10kg and not consistently trained for more then 4 months at a time, lost a lot of my mobility, changed from a hugely positive person inside and out, and considered packing up my bags permanently to travel the world (don’t panic folks, I’m going anywhere right now, that would be the easy option), that’s a lot to stomach in one go!
Now this f&*% up moment feels a little deeper this time, which is probably why it’s sucking the life out of me right now. I’m being honest with myself for once, putting all my energy into understanding and taking a long hard look at why I can feel my monkey losing his sh!t constantly, and instead of ignoring the little monkey and temporally re-caging it, I’m taking the time to understand how and why I’ve got to this point.
Which, is why I’m okay with the fact I f&*%ed up. As long as I’m learning, I’m growing, and while I’m growing, there’s life in me. To give up, disappear somewhere, or bounce to another situation and brush it off, I’d feel like I was ‘dying’ a little more inside.
So, I’m okay with the fact that I’m not where I wanted or hoped to be, because I’ve acknowledged that along the way, I’ve made some poor choices and stopped growing, some seem blindingly obvious, but others less so, but I’ll only be able to acknowledge them through trying and doing new things, because clearly the current course of action does not bring the desired result, that’s taken a little while to realise, but I’m there. 🙂